1: Introduction
2: Spassky’s Assorted Somethings
3: Bonus + Short Story of the Week
1
Readers of Spassky 14 and 5 will be familiar with “toweek’s” guest; he brings us a new story, one of an “informal, indulgent, unprofessional, unreadable and thoroughly reprehensible” character. It will fit us perfectly.
He said he would be happy to part with the story on two conditions: first, that I tell the reader that he wrote it in an hour and spent about the time it takes to brush one’s teeth to edit it. You have been told. Second, that I finally give him a name. “I will have been featured three times now, when Alfie Betical has only appeared twice. Yet he has a name and I apparently don’t.”
His only instruction was to not use his real name…
I leave you now with Subordinate Dungeoncell. The first name’s a reminder of what he is, and his second, a thing he will be spending a lot of time in if he forgets that.
2
How Rudolph the Reindeer Got Her Big Red Nose
(Being a Purely Factual Account of the Incident and Everything Leading Up to It)
“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it glows!”
– Extract from a marble slab, taken from a North-Polian scribe in the 4th century B.C when he wasn’t looking.
Among the reindeer of the North Pole, “Rudolph” means “Coward”. A child is named a Rudolph at birth, if its mother thought she or he took a suspiciously long time with their entrance into the world. When so branded, the Rudolph would be outcast, to live an impostor’s life among the polar bears, or be thrown to the seals as a water-polo ball.
The Rudolph whom this story concerns was no braver in her entrance into the world than any other Rudolph. Indeed, her birth took such a long time that the lease for her arrest could be sent, the court assemble for hearing the case, the court adjourn thirty-one minutes for lunch, the jury discuss the sentence, and the judge club the punishment a whole hour before she was actually born.
The court took exception to Rudolph’s case. Not only was she a coward, but she kept them waiting for so long that they raised the suspicion of Acting With Malice; the sentence was therefore doubled, the only fitting punishment being to send her off – in the most uncomfortable basket the judicature could find – across the sea, to the unpleasantness of the unmagical, Human world.
* * *
Rudolph was found somewhere on the coast of Albania by a pack of Human-Reindeer (this is a distinction only used by the reindeer of the North Pole – coming from the only magical place in the world induces a certain sense of exceptionalism). Of course, to the Albanian Human-Reindeer, this encounter meant first-contact with an Inhuman-Reindeer, which they thought was very funny.
“Klitskta plûkten, trova wova loooya! Ya ya ya! HA HA HA!”
Which translates into:
“Look upon that very unusual adolescent [North-Polian reindeer, affected by the magic of their homeland, grow up very quickly; this is why they can only be decent water-polo balls at birth]. She has a peculiar nose, a Coward’s Nose, as we Albanian reindeer call it. Oh, look upon that Coward’s Nose! It does doubtless resemble a Coward’s Nose! White like the flag of a Frenchman [this was hundreds of years before the – unfortunate – creation of France; the similes of the Albanian Reindeer were often prophetic; much of the wisdom printed on boxes of cereal and fortune cookies was first uttered by Albanian Reindeer]. Ya ya ya! HA HA HA!”
Rudolph, being a magic reindeer, understood Albanian, and now felt very ashamed of her white nose. The pack Albanian reindeer noticed this and also felt very ashamed of themselves: this was simply below them: any old Croatian reindeer could make a magic reindeer feel self-conscious about their nose! They sent off a messenger to fetch the rest of their tribe of Albanian Reindeer and their Timid Albanian Servant; they would need additional resources for a proper Albanian Embarrassment.
In no time at all, a party of reindeer, bearing the Timid Albanian Servant – a tall, lank human, with a bald head and face – on a wooden box, reported for duty.
“Bloshboshbackaboom.” (“Tell us what to do, Timid Albanian Servant!”)
The Timid Albanian Servant was so timid that he couldn’t do anything unless someone ordered him to do it; this is why he was the Timid Albanian Servant, and not the Bold Albanian Leader, even though he commanded the flock.
“Oi lokelokiloche ütymuskukuku.” (“If you don’t mind, I would like to – if you don’t mind – propose that – if you don’t mind – we should – if our victim isn’t terribly busy – in order, that is, to embarrass her – if you don’t mind – employ an – I’m sorry – ancient strategy – if you don’t mind. Please.”)
“Okeokeoke?” (“The one where you get sacrificed by the Menacing Albanian Witch?”)
The Timid Albanian Servant was granted leave to say Yes, and did so. Next thing Rudolph knew, she was pulling the Timid Albanian Servant’s box (last in the procession, and so, getting the worst of the snowy slush and mud the Albanian reindeers’ hooves discharged everywhere), en route to the Menacing Albanian Witch.
* * *
The Menacing Albanian Witch had just burned down an orphanage, eaten three children, and pronounced a perfectly harmless joke about burning houses down and eating children ‘in bad taste’, when the Timid Albanian Servant and his company arrived at her bungalow.
The Timid Albanian Servant, with some assistance, told her about their predicament, and their wish for her to resolve it for them.
After a moment’s consideration she said:
“Erusku-erushku oaaaweee…” (“Indeed – a strange situation. You all will have to help me with the ritual. You must steal something thoroughly evil, dangerous and reprehensible – damn it! I shouldn’t have burned down that orphanage! A child’s toy will do…But treat it with care – I’ve heard the tin soldiers shoot on sight, and the bears have sharp teeth.”
You must be scoffing at the Menacing Albanian Witch’s precautions, but in those days children’s toys were really that deadly; “you have to fight fire with fire” the inventor of toys was quoted as saying.
The Timid Albanian Servant stayed with Rudolph as twenty-five Albanian Reindeer got on the chase. Only seven would return, carrying a teddy bear between them with utmost delicacy.
“Joikaballalaika; chotsa chotsa choiiiii.” (“That will do. It can be plainly observed that our victim has a white nose – a Coward’s Nose, as you Albanian Reindeer call it. Thus, the only fitting embarrassment is to send the unfortunate wretch to the land of heroes and legendary magic, so they can feed her to the Penguins, or to some equally embarrassing fate for cowards. ‘How shall we send her off if she isn’t magical’? We infect her with magic, magic from that teddy bear – that will carry her to the North Pole, where she will stay, tormented for the rest of her life. Aren’t we Menacing! Prepare the altar!”]
Rudolph was put on the altar, along with the teddy-bear (it bit).
“Boshka-boshka!” (“This will require a Roundabout Charm, which makes everything opposite, so that our victim can fly – for, as you can see, she presently can’t. Please, everyone – even you, Timid Albanian Servant – put a hand, or hoof, on the subject, and say something in Albanian – there’s bound to be an evil spell there somewhere.”)
When the Roundabout Charm passed through the chanters, the enchantress to the enchanted, it rebounded, for Rudolph was already magical. After many shiny lights popping in and out of existence, and a lot of high-pitched noises, Rudolph and the company found themselves in the sky.
Rudolph, who had just before been at the back of the pack, was now at the front, and everybody was behind her, following her; her nose was red and shiny where it had before been white and dull. The Albanian Reindeer were now Croatian reindeer – the Albanian reindeer may be prophetic, but the Croatian reindeer can fly – and they were no longer pulling an awkward little box anymore, but instead a roomy sleigh; the Timid Albanian Servant was now a bold and jolly leader, fat where he was thin, short where he was tall, bearded with white hair where he was previously bald. The Menacing Albanian Witch was not at all menacing now, but a kind grandmother-looking figure, who could easily be confused as the jolly man’s wife.
* * *
They would land in the North Pole to a hero’s welcoming, for, descending so boldly and un-cowardly they could be no less than heroes.
They enjoyed life in comfort until (what we now know as the 25th of December) they looked through the sleigh again and found the teddy-bear, made nice and unthreatening by the charm. They then realised that all children’s toys could be made that way, and in turn, all children could become nice. So, The Timid Albanian Servant (“Santa”, in Albanian), drew up a list of all naughty Albanian children – being Albanian, he thought the phenomena was restricted only to that country – to reform them with presents of reformed toys. They set out at once, and and, through openings in chimneys and whatnot, stole these children’s toys, and remade them to be nice.
This would repeat itself every 25th of December, because the Albanian children were prone to relapse.
And that, dear reader, is exactly how it happened.
3
Bonus: (Unrelated) The Paper War of 1752-1753
Story of the Week: Another Piece of Purely Factual History, ”A Kidnapped Santa Claus” (L. Frank Baum, 1904)
Your Indisposed Servant,
