Spassky at a Safe Distance, Issue 13
“The Thirteen Club and the Detrimental Dozen”
1: Introduction
2 Spassky’s Senior Speculation
3: Story + Bonus
1
A case so dread bereft of class
No integer has seen,
So worth of scorn and total grief as
The People v. Thirteen:
For never has it haunted us
It has been thrown below the bus
‘Tis Twelve that does deserve the fuss
Should we bend to superstition,
(Which certainly the Thirteen Club would find a sore position!)
2
Mr. THIRT EEN Elopes With Miss FOUR Tune
By a ceremony performed on Wednesday, the 1st of April, 33 a.d., in the upper levels of King David’s tomb (Jerusalem), Mr.Thirt Een and Ms. Four Tune were married.
The ceremony itself was most unusual. For one thing, it was all performed backwards, beginning with a supper of bread and wine (which was itself a roundabout affair, for – in a display of utter hygienic indifference – none of the thirteen suppers washed their hands, before or after the meal, but instead – with the help of our Lord and Saviour – had their feet washed quite when the supper was over, neglecting the critical office sanitation where it was most urgent).
It was then time for the marriage itself. A section of the Roman legion went to observe the festivities, and paid the bride’s attendant, one Judas Iscariot, thirty silver pieces to do so. Unfortunately, it soon became plain they were not there for a celebration of any kind, but instead to arrest Mr. Jesus Christ, Esq. And it was by way of this horrible conspiracy that Mr.Een and Ms.Tune were married, and with them, the fear that dividing a meal between thirteen people engendered evil and forecast death.
And since this unhappy ceremony, Thirt Een and (former) Miss Four Tune have been inseparable.
(The 13th dinner guest was especially unpopular in Victorian England; the Victorians, being Victorian, were terrified of 13, and are probably accountable for the whole superstition about it)
To the Detriment of the Dozen
12 has been regarded as the Divine Number for about as long as man has counted beyond 11, used in myth and legend and religion to symbolise entirety and perfection: there are twelve Greek gods, twelve major Norse gods and twelve disciples of Jesus.
But though 12 is a pretty number, and a faithful arithmetic companion, one should regard it with no less trepidation than one would a sweet-tasting bit of arsenic or a tiger with perfect dental hygiene. For doesn’t the twelfth member of these Perfect Unities always destroy the very Unity they complete?
Judas, the twelfth (and final) disciple betrayed Jesus.
And then there’s the case of Dionysus the twelfth Greek god, the god of wine and madness – responsible for every felony any tipsy, drunk or hammered ancient ever committed in Greek myth (a list longer than the Midgard serpent). Not to mention hangovers.
And lastly, Loki, the twelfth major Norse god. Not only did he father Fenrir (who killed Odin), the Midgard Serpent (who killed Thor), and Hel (the goddess of death), but he murdered Baldur the Beloved, making him totally responsible for Ragnarök.
I’d say 13 looks rather lucky in comparison…
Moving on In Spite (and With It)
“How do we divorce Mr.Thirt Een and Miss Four Tune, then?”
I think we should follow in The Thirteen Club’s footsteps (minding no manhole or crack in the pavement along the way).
The Thirteen Club was founded in 1880, its only purpose being to disprove superstition. Its members would convene in room 13 of the Knickerbocker Cottage on the 13th day of each month, where they would pass beneath a ladder and banner (reading “Morituri te Salutamus”, or “Those of us who are about to die salute you”) on their way to 13-course dinner. They would rent black cats, industrially smash mirrors and throw salt all around the room as if it needed seasoning.
(None of its members – that I know of – died suddenly or were struck by lighting)
Five U.S. presidents were members of the Thirteen Club at one time or another.
The Thirteen Club were doing justice to that honourable number’s name, and I think it is time (if not overdue) for us to continue their good work (as long as I’m not the one paying).
To get rid of superstition altogether would of course be ideal, but I know it is hard to part with a long-held grudge (especially if it’s against something inanimate). And this is why I give you the substitute of 12: 13 has had enough – 12 has had it coming.
3
Story of the Week: Honor Among Sportsmen (Richard Connell, 1912)
Bonus: Prescription In Case of Acute Archival Withdrawal
This shit 🔥🔥🚫🧢